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Monday, May 9, 2016

May 7th

It has been two years since I had my hysterectomy. I have for the most part come to terms with that. But I still sometimes have "baby dreams" and I still am sometimes shattered by the good fortune of someone else to be expecting. It's still hard to fathom that I will never have the opportunity to have a child of my own. And yet it seems silly to me sometimes, especially given that I could have lost my husband last year. Now that he is retired due to his cancer surgery and treatment, life is very strange. I am ecstatic that he has survived it all and don't know if I could have survived losing him. But this illness has caused more loss; more that will never be; more that will never be the same. We have suffered so much, gone through hell, and are finally come out the other side to a COMPLETELY different landscape. And I'm not sure how to do this. I know I only want to do it... whatever IT is...with him by my side. But, this new life is so different than anything I could have imagined that sometimes I don't even know what I'm supposed to do now. I do know that, whatever this new life has in store for us I'm glad to be holding his hand.

7 comments:

  1. It's been two years almost to the day since I had my hysterectomy too. I was in hospital on Mother's Day.

    I'm sorry that you've been through so much. I'm glad that have your husband's hand to hold too.

    I know the feeling of wondering about "whatever IT is." I'm learning not to focus on the IT, as that keeps changing, but to just focus on the holding of the hands. Thanks for the reminder.

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