Monday, May 9, 2016
It has been two years since I had my hysterectomy. I have for the most part come to terms with that. But I still sometimes have "baby dreams" and I still am sometimes shattered by the good fortune of someone else to be expecting. It's still hard to fathom that I will never have the opportunity to have a child of my own. And yet it seems silly to me sometimes, especially given that I could have lost my husband last year. Now that he is retired due to his cancer surgery and treatment, life is very strange. I am ecstatic that he has survived it all and don't know if I could have survived losing him. But this illness has caused more loss; more that will never be; more that will never be the same. We have suffered so much, gone through hell, and are finally come out the other side to a COMPLETELY different landscape. And I'm not sure how to do this. I know I only want to do it... whatever IT is...with him by my side. But, this new life is so different than anything I could have imagined that sometimes I don't even know what I'm supposed to do now. I do know that, whatever this new life has in store for us I'm glad to be holding his hand.