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Friday, November 21, 2014

awe... AGAIN!?!

I've written about this before , and well... here we go again. My husband's ex has announced that she's comjng to Thanksgiving again this year. To say I'm pissed is an understatement. She has apparently just reconciled with her husband, yet will be spending th e holiday with her EX husband's family. I don't even know if she's bringing him with her... but I got the impression she's not. I mean, it's not just me, right? That is screwed up, isn't it?

Monday, November 17, 2014

Is it just me?

Maybe I'm just over sensitive. Or maybe people are just too busy with their own lives. Or maybe it's because I don't live near my family. But when I was growing up, if you were sick or had surgery or lost a family member, family and friends would rally. They would call, come by, send cards, bring food or flowers. They would check in to see what you needed after the fact. They would let you know they cared and were thinking of you. This is something I still make an effort to do. And yet it seems less and less others do so. Sure, people say let me know if you need anything. Some call and some send a card, but then they disappear... Back to their normal lives, I suppose. Not that I blame them. And of course this isn't everyone. It just seems different somehow; like we're less connected. Or is it just me?

Thursday, November 13, 2014

Life is hard

Tuesday I had to make one of the hardest decisions of my life: to say goodbye to one of my kitties, who has been with me for more than 17 years. The aggressiveness of the cancer made it impossible to ignore and even with his pain medication, he was visibly uncomfortable. Words cannot begin to express how profoundly I will and do miss him. This of course is on top of the never ending saga with my nephew. My family, in the name of love and support, continue to enable, pacify and support him, even through the horrible thing he has done and put us through. In reality, the fact that they continue to shield him from having to live with all the consequences of his actions will not help him, and continues to hurt them. But they refuse to see that. As for me, I have grieved the loss of who he could have been, but am still angry for what he has put my family through.I want nothing to do with him. I will try hard to put up some emotional boundaries so that my family's continued feeding into his trainwreck of a life will not ruin my life along with theirs. I have and continue to grieve the child(ren) I never had. And now I must grieve the loss of my 4-legged child. Life can be so hard.

Monday, September 8, 2014

I'm back again

I had a hysterectomy on May 7th. The Wednesday before Mother's Day. It took me a long time to accept that that's what I needed to do. But I have done it. The procedure itself took somewhere around 4.5 hours. I woke up in my room groggy, but not in pain... Just uncomfortable. I had tiny wounds, including one in my belly button and I was light one uterus and two tubes. My parents,and husband were all there when I went in and when I came out. I was only in the hospital for one day and was put on injectable blood thinners for two weeks.i got a few calls and cards from friends and family the first week or so. I started back at work part-time on May 28th and was back full-time by June 9th. Physically, I'm feeling great. No pain to speak of after week 2. I was completely released by my doctor at week 12. It is stunning how significantly my pain was affecting me - preventing me from participating in various parts of my life; keeping me on constant guard, wondering when the pain might strike. Emotionally, I've felt pretty well, too, for the most part. I think it's catching up with me. My nephew has gotten into trouble again. The whole family has been turned upside down. But, I don't believe that this type of thing, regardless of severity or difficulty excuses people's insensitive, cruel comments. Case in point: telling me I am lucky to have never had children or that I should be happy I never had the is NOT ok. It's cruel, it's rude and it's hurtful. And even if you believe it to be true, it is my belief that if you care about someone... Or even if you don't, you should do what you can to keep from hurting them. This is just not the case in my world. In the 11 years I have been married and been a step parent, neither my mother nor my sister ever acknowledged me on mother's day until my hysterectomy. Moreover, whenever things have gone badly with my nephew, I have been told in various ways how I should be glad I didn't have children. That my sister was suffering so. No one seems to consider my own suffering. That it too is not something that I can fix or change. That there is no end to my situation. My suffering is just as real. But it seems I'm the only one who understands that. I guess I have more emotional work to do.

Friday, April 25, 2014

Uuuuuugggghhh!!!

Why do people feel compelled, when it comes up that I'm childless and having a hysterectomy, to tell me "you can always adopt!" And when I say I can't or I'm too old or whatever they always say something like oh ...sure you can, you're not too old.... You know, I think that from now on, instead of replying at all, I'm just going to say nothing. Not... one... word!!!!

Wednesday, April 16, 2014

My bits have been playing tricks on me!

As I mentioned in my last post, I've been making plans and getting ready for the thing I have fought for so long... a hysterectomy. While I do have some physical chores to do, like cleaning the house and making some meals to freeze, mostly I've been trying to steel myself emotionally for what's ahead. I don't know if that's actually even possible! Oddly, it seemed like my body was playing tricks on me! Let me explain: after nearly a year of thinking, talking, making up my mind, .uuuichanging it and making it again, I went ahead and scheduled the surgery. This was a huge step. Then, as expected, here came my period. What was strange about this time, though, is that it wasn't that bad. There was pain, just not crippling; and almost no pain with nookie! Well, of course you know what happened next: I was FILLED with self-doubt about whether I made the right decision. "This isn't so bad." "Maybe I don't really NEED surgery." "Have I made the wrong decision?" "Maybe the doctors were wrong!" This went on for two months. And then the other shoe dropped, so to speak. 11 days ago I woke up early to go to a 5k benefit walk with SS21 and DH. Almost immediately after getting out if bed (normally not my strong suit anyway! :P) I was struck with such severe pain I couldn't stand up straight. A hot shower didn't help. I took some medicine and stayed home. I have been hurting at some level or another every day since then. I don't know if my girlie bits KNOW that this is their last chance to make their presence known, but if they do they're sure making the most of the opportunity!

Thursday, February 13, 2014

Again!? Seriously?!

The last time the Olympics came around, Proctor & Gamble launched a "thanks Mom" campaign that talked about being the proud sponsor of moms. I blogged about it at that time. Well, apparently it was a successful campaign because they're back on the "thank you mom" bandwagon. I know, I'm bitter and hypersensitive, but still. Us childless not by choice folks aside... how about dads! Why are they left out? It just seems very exclusionistic and, frankly, more than just a little rude. I mean why would one parent he recognized for all of their love and support? It just doesn't seem right.

Saturday, February 1, 2014

Making plans

Wow! I can't believe it's been so long since I last posted. In mid-November, DH and I went to Shands to talk to the endo/fibroids specialist. We discussed all the remaining options and ultimately came to the agreement that all of them would really just be bandaids. So, a hysterectomy is what I need. Coincidentally, that same day I was notified that I had gotten the job I applied for. It's in the same company but in a different area. Great! How do I start a new job and tell my new supervisor that i need a month off!? Ugh! It seems like nothing is ever simple anymore! I decided to wait a little while and feel out the situation. I know how to deal with the pain. I can hold on a little while. The holidays came and went and for the most part, I held it together. December was interesting. In addition to all the Christmas festivities, SS21 graduated from college. His mother came into town for several days with her (let's call him estranged... weird situation) husband. I was sweating it. Let's just say I'm not fond of the woman. Her child rearing skills have much to be desired and I think bordered on child neglect, but thankfully, SS21 turned out to be an intelligent, kind, loving, funny young man, whether because or in spite of her. Happily, the graduation ceremony and the subsequent "reception" at our home turned out very nice and she didn't show her ass. We also had brunch out and another get together at the house, but I tried not to interact too much with her and all went well. At the end of it all she thanked me for hosting the lovely events and for all I have done for SS21. Hmm... who knew she could be that un-douchey. Now that I have settled into the new job, I told my supervisor about needing surgery and am ready to go ahead and schedule. I have a list of question I want to ask before I do that, but mostly I think I'm ready. I'm tired of living with so much pain every month, and really for such a huge portion of my life. I'm nervous about it... a little scared about how it will change me. But I am reallly hopeful that it will be only for the better. It's time to start making plans for surgery, recovery and my new life.