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Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Reality sets in

I have been painfully aware, for several years, that I would never have children of my own. That is my reality... one I have no choice but accept. But now that the scheduling of a hysterectomy is looming in my not so distant future, that reality, and what it means, is hitting me pretty hard. In fact, I found myself warning hubby that I may fall apart before it was all over. I will NEVER HAVE CHILDREN....NEVER!!! The closest thing I will ever have is SS21, my surrogate kid, and my 4 legged kids. Never is a long time. It's not that anything has changed, really. It's not that there was a possibility, but it is a different feeling ...a different kind of mourning. I find myself longing to talk to my great aunt about her similar journey... wishing she would reach out to me from beyond the grave and tell me she understood, she'd been there and it would be ok. But she's not here. So I have to figure out a way to stay strong and brave and work through my pain, as this harsh reality sets in.

7 comments:

  1. Hi - I just wanted to let you know that there are other women who have been through the same experience and who would be happy to support you in the private Gateway Women Online Community. More info here if you'd like to join. With a big hug, Jody x
    http://www.gateway-women.com/community

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    1. Thank you Jody. I am interested... please email me some more info and I'll check out the link. There had been a site I used to frequent, but it was converted to a FB page. I had to drop out because it became very negative and exclusionary. Thanks for the link!!!

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  2. I've heard similar stories from other infertile woman, so I think what you are going through is painful, but normal. I don't need a hysterectomy, but sometimes I think I would like one. It seems like a cruel joke that the rest of my body doesn't work, but those cramps are always there to remind me I am a woman. I just think it would be nice to get rid of it all. I tell people that my excuse is the recovery time. But really, its because its so final, and I'm just not ready to face that decision.

    Its probably a good thing you warned your husband, I'm sure the next few weeks and months will be a roller coaster of emotions for you.

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    1. Thank you Savannah! Yeah, I think I've got a long road ahead of me, physical surgical recovery being the least of it. And you're right... the finality of if makes it very hard and very real and very sad. I hope I can get through it emotionally intact!

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    2. I had a similar thought the other day, Savannah. I will never experience a big aspect of womanhood. What is the point of having the equipment? But I'm also certainly not ready for any finality.

      Thinking of you Nonmom. May the journey be easier than you think. We will be hear to listen to whatever you need to let out.

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    3. Thanks Annie Z! Preparing myself for this finality has been an uphill battle... and I'm still struggling. Of course every month I curse having the pain of equipment I don't even get to use, so at those times it's a no-brainer to just want it out. I suspect making the actual appointment will take an emotional toll, too!

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  3. My heart goes out to you. I went through a surgery that rendered me fully incapable of ever conceiving (though I'm not entirely sure I ever could since the docs couldn't explain the lack of pregnancies) more than a year ago. Regardless, it was still a scary and emotionally charged time knowing it was final. Keeping you in my thoughts...

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