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Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Reality sets in

I have been painfully aware, for several years, that I would never have children of my own. That is my reality... one I have no choice but accept. But now that the scheduling of a hysterectomy is looming in my not so distant future, that reality, and what it means, is hitting me pretty hard. In fact, I found myself warning hubby that I may fall apart before it was all over. I will NEVER HAVE CHILDREN....NEVER!!! The closest thing I will ever have is SS21, my surrogate kid, and my 4 legged kids. Never is a long time. It's not that anything has changed, really. It's not that there was a possibility, but it is a different feeling ...a different kind of mourning. I find myself longing to talk to my great aunt about her similar journey... wishing she would reach out to me from beyond the grave and tell me she understood, she'd been there and it would be ok. But she's not here. So I have to figure out a way to stay strong and brave and work through my pain, as this harsh reality sets in.

Sunday, October 6, 2013

Time to accept the inevitable

Well, I finally had my appointment with the endo/fibroids specialist. Hubby came with. Surprisingly, it had been nearly a year since I first saw him. We discussed all the options... Mirena, Depo shots, Lupron, another laparoscopy... but ultimately, it came down to this: all of those things are just bandaids, temporary fixes, if the help at all... or postponement of the inevitable... a hysterectomy. We also had a lengthy discussion about whether or not to keep the ovaries, given my family history of breast cancer. But I monitor that issue pretty well. Most of the problem seems to be coming from the uterus anyway. I also told him about the heavy bleeding and the incredibly low ferritin levels. He asked if I had ever had an endometrial biopsy, and when I told him no, he was surprised and said I needed to have one. Since I had already taken the day off and was there, I figured why not get it over with. He warned me several times that it would be very painful. It was. But when I told him that it was actually no more painful than what I deal with 1-3 days a month, he seemed shocked. "That bad?" he asked? Yes, sadly, I told him. To which he replied, "that is sad." Yeah, it pretty much sucks. I kept that part to myself. It was a kind of validation that I'm not just a wimp with a low threshold for pain and that I AM dealing with severe pain. So now I wait for those results while I thing about when to have the surgery I need. I have steeled myself over the last year for this inevitability. So now, it's just a matter of scheduling. {{sigh}}