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Thursday, September 12, 2013

What's next

Fall is in the air! Lows have been in the low 70s and high 60s and I find myself longing to go outside to play. Unfortunately, I push paper for a living ang am stuck in my office eight hours a day, with the tease of a beautiful day outside my window. Sitting in my quiet office gives my mind lots of opportunities to wander, and when it's otherwise preoccupied by work nonsense, it wanders at night, while I try to go to sleep. Sometimes it does both. At the front of the list of thoughts I wander off to is the ongoing saga of periods, pain and treatment options. My endo and fibroids continue to give me hell, causing pain for at least 15/30 days per month. I was supposed to go back to the specialist to discuss options again, and maybe to schedule surgery, but I had to reschedule for early October. I know that a hysterectomy is probably the best option, but the truth is I'm scared. It's a big deal to me. I know, I know... everyone tells me that "it's the best thing that ever happened." But still, getting spayed is both physically and emotionally traumatic... or at least, I think it will be. Certainly, trying to get my head wrapped around the idea of it has been emotionally taxing. How will such a drastic step affect me? Will it change how I feel about me, my sexuality, my relationship with my husband? Will it change how he feels about those things? Of course, what I've already been going through has already done all those things. I mean, there's nothing sexy about chronic pain. But I'm familiar with my current situation, so it's not so scary. I don't know what 1nonmom post hyst looks like! But I have already tried so many different things... I think I may have just run out of options. I guess it's time for me to accept that and look forward to trying what's next.


  1. I too dread the day I have to make that decision. It would be nice to not have periods, but its so final.

  2. I feel the same way, Savannah: how nice would it me to not have any periods or pain!? But at the same time, even though I know I will never have children of my own, the finality of it all somehow makes it very real.

  3. I'll not beat around the bush. I had an hysterectomy, (not wanted, but had no choice in that situation), that left me with the fact that I will never have children of my own-

    I cannot tell you that what I went through would be same as you, but I *can* give you my experience which might help in a way- I went through a roller coaster of emotions before, during the recovery and afterwards, very unpleasant ride that was.

    Grief was very vivid these days- even now and then I would feel sad. That's why I started writing a blog just two weeks after the surgery- to put all my emotions out.

    What helped immensely, was the support system- family, close friends, seeing a therapist (if you can find someone who is trained in infertility/grief&loss, that HELPS!), and focusing on yourself. Take time-outs a lot for yourself.

    Don't let folks put a deadline upon you, of how long you "should" grieve. Each journey is different; some recover slower than others, and so be aware there'd be some guilt trips to encounter from some folks.

    Grief is normal. Cry much as you want, actually much as you NEED. Rage is okay, too. Talk with friends who love you who you are; friends or family who need to understand that only you know what you need from them, and that the only responsibility you have is to let them know (no mind-reading!) of what you need from them.

    I'm here, and there are other folks in the community who have experienced the very same thing as well- they are here too.


  4. Thank you, Wolfers. I know that everyone deals with this kind of thing differently. I have already cried and been angry and blamed, and suspect that when the day comes for me to actually take the step to surgery, I will go through a great deal more of that. I will be talking to the specialist in a couple of weeks and will be asking lots of questions. I don't know whether Lupron would be the next step or whether that's just another bandaid and I should just go forward with a hyst. Who knows how all of this will affect me, change me... but,I am certain it will. That's scary to me. Thanks for your kind, supportive words.

  5. My heart goes out to as you try to make this difficult decision. I haven't had to look at this issue, so I can't help, but I can offer cyber hugs and words of support (((HUGS)))

    I can relate to the start of your post. I am paper pushing today, on a beautiful day, and really struggling to stay focused. Thus, the little side line trip to your blog!

  6. Thanks Annie Z! I have a consult with the endo specialist coming up this week. In the meantime a friend convinced me to try acupuncture one more time, so I started seeing another doctor of Oriental medicine last week. I'm taking herbs and seaweed and massaging my feet and trying hard to adhere to a very restrictive diet... which is very much like the Endometriosis diet. We shall see.

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