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Thursday, September 12, 2013

What's next

Fall is in the air! Lows have been in the low 70s and high 60s and I find myself longing to go outside to play. Unfortunately, I push paper for a living ang am stuck in my office eight hours a day, with the tease of a beautiful day outside my window. Sitting in my quiet office gives my mind lots of opportunities to wander, and when it's otherwise preoccupied by work nonsense, it wanders at night, while I try to go to sleep. Sometimes it does both. At the front of the list of thoughts I wander off to is the ongoing saga of periods, pain and treatment options. My endo and fibroids continue to give me hell, causing pain for at least 15/30 days per month. I was supposed to go back to the specialist to discuss options again, and maybe to schedule surgery, but I had to reschedule for early October. I know that a hysterectomy is probably the best option, but the truth is I'm scared. It's a big deal to me. I know, I know... everyone tells me that "it's the best thing that ever happened." But still, getting spayed is both physically and emotionally traumatic... or at least, I think it will be. Certainly, trying to get my head wrapped around the idea of it has been emotionally taxing. How will such a drastic step affect me? Will it change how I feel about me, my sexuality, my relationship with my husband? Will it change how he feels about those things? Of course, what I've already been going through has already done all those things. I mean, there's nothing sexy about chronic pain. But I'm familiar with my current situation, so it's not so scary. I don't know what 1nonmom post hyst looks like! But I have already tried so many different things... I think I may have just run out of options. I guess it's time for me to accept that and look forward to trying what's next.