Tuesday, August 13, 2013
I feel like a giant failure
Once upon a time, I was in college studying art. I was pretty good. I can actually draw and paint fairly well. All I ever wanted to do was draw and paint... maybe teach art. But I never got support from my family to have that be any more than a "hobby." I should have been stronger. I should have asserted myself. I should have gone after what I wanted, no matter who said it was illogical, impractical or impossible. But I didn't. I folded. I did exactly what I knew would get me the support and praise I so desperately wanted: I went to law school. I graduated and it took me nearly 7 years to pass the bar exam, but I finally did. I took an attorney position with the State and eventually met my now husband... who is the very best part of my life today. Not many years after we married, the child issues surfaced and it became clear I would never have children of my own. Both losses - my art and my parenthood- have been a constant struggle for me. And they continue to be. All these years later, I am 44 years old, I can't remember the last time I drew or painted, I have no children of my own and, as a cherry on top, I have excruciating pain from endometriosis. And while I do crochet to fill some of the creative void, and have a stepson and a "surrogate kid" whom I love and who help me to fulfill some of my maternal instincts, those things are just NOT cutting it anymore. I feel like a big, fat, giant failure. I'm in a job that is not fulfilling, to say the very least. I have no place to paint. I have no children. I am nothing I thought I would be. Certainly, I could get off my dead ass and clear out the back room to give me a space to make art, but I truely feel trapped, stuck... to quote The Replacements... you can't move, you can't breathe...like quicksand. I can barely drag myself out of bed to go to the hell hole I call work, much less come home and clean and sort and throw away. I feel like a huge disappointment to the possibilities that I had, trapped by school loans, depression, pain and fear, and I have no idea to get out.