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Tuesday, May 14, 2013

Another one bites the dust

Another Mother's Day has come and gone and I'm only slightly worse for the wear. I awoke to a text from a very dear friend telling me he was thinking of me on that very difficult occasion. That text was followed by a text from my surrogate kid who wished me a Happy M Day and thanked me for being her mother figure and for being there for her. And then came the tears. It took a little bit for me to pull it together, but I eventually did. And no sooner had I gotten it together, my SS20 sent a text wishing me a Happy M Day. When I shared the texts with DH, he told me he didn't ever know what to do, but thanked me for my efforts with SS20. It was bitter sweet, getting these acknowledgements. It was nice to be recognized as a mother figure by some of the people I love, but it's hard knowing that I'll never have my own child to celebrate the day with. Even after all these years, the finality of it all... that I'll never be a mother to a child that I helped to physically create, no biological grandchildren either... rips a hole in my heart that doesn't seem to heal. I vacillate between jealousy and longing, pain and self-pity, profound sorrow and anger, with intermittent periods of contentment and joy. But the melancholy lingers in the shadows, seemingly ready to strike when I least expect it. And the problem with my "girlie bits" only seems to amplify the hurt of it all... that I would have to doubly suffer in that not only do I have broken (for lack of a better term) parts, but that they cause me such excruciating pain despite my not being able to use them for their intended purpose. The disgust at that reality is sometimes palpable. But for now, I'm hanging in there. Waiting to see how my bits behave themselves over the next little while and what my army of doctors will suggest. I'm going to get through it all eventually... I really don't have a choice!