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Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Dread hangs heavy in the air.

Alas, the continuous birth control was a bust! Oh and what a bust it was!!! When the first kind stopped working (I will spare you the details!), I was switched to a different one. Within days, I developed a superficial thrombophlebitis... which in English is basically a superficial clot in my leg. Oh YAY! That won me three days off work, with my leg elevated and warm compresses. So now, my options are dwindling. Basically,I'm down to a trial of Lupron or surgery. Lupron, I'm told is a diagnostic tool as well as a treatment, because if it doesn't resolve my pain a hysterectomy probably won't either. Of course, since I have now had a clot that may have occurred because of hormones, I have to be really careful going forward. {{Heavy sigh}}. For now, I'm easing in to a moderate version of the Endometriosis Diet, to see if it helps. There are lots of "don'ts" in this diet, though, and it's no picnic trying to navigate my way through all of them. But I'm trying. All this, and just in time for the "day that shall remain nameless." I'm struggling with a lot of dread over having to make a decision when none of the options are what I'd like them to be and how to deal with that. I'm having a very hard time digesting the finality of my childlessness, and with the very real possibility of a hysterectomy in my not too distant future that finality lingers like a bitter pill stuck in my throat. As an added bonus, THAT day is just around the corner and all the glorified mommydome is in the air waves. All of it hangs a storm cloud of sadness, loneliness, jealousy, blame, anger and dread squarely over my life... and me with no umbrella!