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Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Why do I go there?

So last night, DH and I are on the couch, his feet in my lap. I said told him he had such nice feet... and of course mine are adorable... then, I went to a place I have no business going: "Our kids would have beautiful feet!" WTF!?!? Why in the world would I go there?! I know very well that we will never have a child! I know that he would not acquiesce, even if we were able. So why does my mind go there? Truth be told, it goes there more often than I care to admit. Hearing people talk about their children and grandchildren or watching TV, I often find myself thinking... Mary Grace ******... that would be a great name if we had a girl. Or Cooper... if we had a boy! It's almost as though my mind wants to torture my heart. Is it just my mommy instinct? Is it just my sick mind holding onto a dream it knows will never come true? I don't know. I don't guess the reason really matters all that much. I just wish I could stop myself.

5 comments:

  1. Both me and my husband "go there" too. I used to do it frequently, but I am conditioning myself to stop, really trying to stop.

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  2. I call it the "reprogramming process." It's automatic to think that, and when we can't have kids, every time we think something like that it's like a sock in the face. Well, that's how I found it anyway. I gradually reprogrammed my brain, and now I generally don't think those things. Except for stuff like "if we'd had kids they would NEVER have done (insert bad deed)!"

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  3. I know the feeling well. It's been many years since we stopped trying, but every once in a while I go there, too.

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  4. I always experience the same thing. Sometimes, out of nowhere, I'd just babble "I would teach my daughter to love sports" something like that, then I'd realize if I could ever have a daughter....

    Nice to find this blog! :)

    Claire from the Philippines

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  5. Thanks for your comment claire! Yes, strange how our minds go where we know our lives won't. I hope you enjoy the blog! Thanks for reading.

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