Friday, January 18, 2013
Making something meaningful of the pain
I had therapy yesterday. I have mentioned before how bitter sweet those sessions are... dealing with all those things I'd just as soon never think about or feel, preferring to tamp them down like so much heavy soil. But I hauled my hide in and sat in "the room." I talked about so much; sometimes overlapping the topics as the pain of each intersects. I was asked questions to which I have no answers; to which, perhaps, there are no answers. But one resonsated with me: How can I make something meaningful out of the pain? Let me explain... we all get into the "why me" spiral, the "it's not fair" slide. So how do I take that pain and transform the energy it drains from my life into something meaningful, something productive? Well, hell! I don't know!!! But, this is what I do know: I have so much love to give a child that will never exist that sometimes I feel as if I will explode. There are lots of people and animals who, due to their own circumstances, causes and conditions, will never have an opportunity to know that kind of love. So, in one way, I suppose, I'm fortunate that I am even capable of that level of it. On the other hand, loving deeply will ultimately cause excruciating pain... so there's that! But back to my point, I have made a decision to put that love into other things and places. Sometimes I try too hard and spread myself too thin, but hey, it's a LOT of love! So I make pet treats, because animals need love too! I cook for my husband, because I enjoy it and so does he. I make beanie hats, or blankets, or scarves or shawls for those in need... some of that love in every stitch. I help a family friend who has become my Surrogate Kid, financially and emotionally, however I can! And you know what? It does help... a lot But sitting in that room, sobbing over the things that torment me, it somehow isn't enough sometimes. I wish that it were. I hope that someday it actually is.