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Friday, January 18, 2013

Making something meaningful of the pain

I had therapy yesterday. I have mentioned before how bitter sweet those sessions are... dealing with all those things I'd just as soon never think about or feel, preferring to tamp them down like so much heavy soil. But I hauled my hide in and sat in "the room." I talked about so much; sometimes overlapping the topics as the pain of each intersects. I was asked questions to which I have no answers; to which, perhaps, there are no answers. But one resonsated with me: How can I make something meaningful out of the pain? Let me explain... we all get into the "why me" spiral, the "it's not fair" slide. So how do I take that pain and transform the energy it drains from my life into something meaningful, something productive? Well, hell! I don't know!!! But, this is what I do know: I have so much love to give a child that will never exist that sometimes I feel as if I will explode. There are lots of people and animals who, due to their own circumstances, causes and conditions, will never have an opportunity to know that kind of love. So, in one way, I suppose, I'm fortunate that I am even capable of that level of it. On the other hand, loving deeply will ultimately cause excruciating pain... so there's that! But back to my point, I have made a decision to put that love into other things and places. Sometimes I try too hard and spread myself too thin, but hey, it's a LOT of love! So I make pet treats, because animals need love too! I cook for my husband, because I enjoy it and so does he. I make beanie hats, or blankets, or scarves or shawls for those in need... some of that love in every stitch. I help a family friend who has become my Surrogate Kid, financially and emotionally, however I can! And you know what? It does help... a lot But sitting in that room, sobbing over the things that torment me, it somehow isn't enough sometimes. I wish that it were. I hope that someday it actually is.

2 comments:

  1. This is lovely and true and sad and hopeful. I volunteered on a pregnancy loss site for 6 years, and that made sense of a lot of my pain and loss, and to honour the memory (my memory) of the babies I lost/never had. Helping others really does help. So I'm glad you are finding outlets for your love, for your pain, and for your nurturing instincts. Writing here helps others too, I hope you know that. It's not a direct swap - X will make up for my losses. Nope, it doesn't work that way. But it helps, and it helps you grow (or it helped me grow), and it helps you reconcile and accept. It just takes time.

    And so all I can say is that it does get easier. It really does.

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  2. Thank you so much, Mali! I really do believe that focusing my maternal energy into other things will help long term. Thanks for saying that my writing here helps others. I have often hoped that perhaps my experience can serve as a comfort to others knowing they are not alone.

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