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Wednesday, January 2, 2013

A new year...

I started this blog more than two years ago as a means of a sort of therapy. It gives me an opportunity to anonymously talk about the trials in my life and to sort out how I will or need to deal with them. Sometimes my writing stirs up such a jumble of feelings... fear and sadness and guilt and jealousy, that I wonder how helpful it is to me or anyone else. Sometimes, like today, I'm all over the place. But today I look back on what I've dealt with here and it's been quite a bit! Am I "healed" of my demons? Uh... NO! I still struggle. Everyday. Some of those days are much more difficult than others. But I somehow find a strange solace in knowing that I can come here and dump out all of my emotional baggage and miraculously feel a sense of comfort. Perhaps it is in part because of the reactions that I get from strangers who can empathize. Perhaps it's just that I get to vomit all the acid from my soul. I have been talking to an old friend from college quite a bit lately. He too struggles with mental demons and is childless and finds comfort in his pets. We have discussed how hard it is to feel like no one understands what we go through. Fortunately we do understand each other. We had a long, deep discussion the other day about our partners and how they do try to be supportive, but could never truly understand our struggles. It's odd to find myself giving advice to a person who is going through many of the same things I am. Why is it I can clearly see what make sense for someone else, but when it comes to myself I am lucky to just tread water and barely keep my nose out!? It's so strange. But if I'm honest, I suppose it's not that I don't know a lot of the answers for myself too, it's more that I can't figure out exactly how to get out of my own way, how to make space in my mind, to stop the spin of negative, anxious thoughts. We'd all like to think that with the start of a new year we can toss aside all those negative, difficult, scary things from days past; to jump off of the proverbial treadmill and make a new, better, more positive path for ourselves. But it's not so simple, is it? It's a new year, but the baggage we packed last year is still with us. Every item was meticulously put in its place and there it stays until it has been sufficiently and successfully vetted. So here's to the scrutiny and evaluation; to the resolution and restoration. Here's to a new year.... more solutions, fewer problems.

8 comments:

  1. Yes, I feel the weight of the baggage packed from last year too. I remember at the start of 2012 I convinced myself there was no baggage - that a clean slate was what I had. And soon enough, the slate was full up with all the stuff I pretended wasn't around and soon fell to pieces (and hence started my own blog! which helped me immensely). So this year I acknowledge the baggage, but I'm not emphasising it - I'm going to allow some space around it. I like the sound of resolution and restoration. Cheers to getting out of our own way be being open to solutions.

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    1. Thanks Jen. Isn't it funny how well we can fool ourselves? Cheers!

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  2. "I somehow find a strange solace in knowing that I can come here and dump out all of my emotional baggage and miraculously feel a sense of comfort." You nail it beautifully.... this is why I blog- sometimes I just...throw it all out on blank canvas (blog); it is then up to me to publicize it or to keep it private (draft in other words...)
    Indeed- scrutiny and evaluation are fitting words to apply to the journey. For me, it's much emotions, like walking through a thick mist, not knowing what is beyond two feet away. I just hope that I'd not walk into Jack the Ripper, but then the first anniversary is coming up in three weeks, and I suspect it's not time for me to 'sit back and analyze;' it is to survive. I ought to read your old posts and see how you handled that with the first anniversary...
    Sometimes when I read yours or other blogs, I find it uncanny, as if you had written exactly what I was thinking, before I could say it. Uncanny!

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    1. Wolfers, thanks for your comment. I'm glad you find my words relatable.... although I'm also sorry that you do, too. Hang in there!

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  3. Here's to a New Year. All I can say is that it took me more than two years to get where I am today, which is a place of (mostly) acceptance and happiness. It sounds to me as if you're doing okay - you're keeping your head above water (no mean feat), and you understand intellectually the answers. Once we start believing those, our anxious inner voices slow down and stop too (or at least, we have an ability to tell them to "be quiet!" and they actually do what they're told). You're a survivor. Don't forget to tell yourself that.

    Wishing you the very best for 2013.

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    1. Thanks Mali! I appreciate the encouragement and support!

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  4. The very act of being there for someone else makes us able to makes sense of our own thoughts and emotions. Keep writing and sharing and you'll find that, bit by bit, you'll find yourself well on the path to figuring it out.

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