Thursday, January 24, 2013
Just relax, you'll get pregnant. You should try IVF... You could have twins! You could adopt... I know a person who..... (fill in irrelevant details about someone else's life)and they got an infant right away! Your dog, cat, bird, ferrett... is your kid. You'll have so much more time to do things that YOU want to do. Be glad you don't have a kid, instead of one like mine. Want one of mine? Want to trade lives? You must have so much extra money since you don't have to worry about.... Your work is your kid. It's not God's will. Everything happens for a reason. You knew it might not ever happen when you married him/her. At least you have your wife's/husband's kid. That's the same thing. Well, Oprah never had kids! (or Mother Theresa, or the Pope, or... someone who isn't me!) Any additions? I got one of these today from my sister... yes! my sister. And more than once in the span of a conversation. I have no words... at least none that I can say here. $%^@*!!! @%^@#*^$E*&^$*!!
Friday, January 18, 2013
I had therapy yesterday. I have mentioned before how bitter sweet those sessions are... dealing with all those things I'd just as soon never think about or feel, preferring to tamp them down like so much heavy soil. But I hauled my hide in and sat in "the room." I talked about so much; sometimes overlapping the topics as the pain of each intersects. I was asked questions to which I have no answers; to which, perhaps, there are no answers. But one resonsated with me: How can I make something meaningful out of the pain? Let me explain... we all get into the "why me" spiral, the "it's not fair" slide. So how do I take that pain and transform the energy it drains from my life into something meaningful, something productive? Well, hell! I don't know!!! But, this is what I do know: I have so much love to give a child that will never exist that sometimes I feel as if I will explode. There are lots of people and animals who, due to their own circumstances, causes and conditions, will never have an opportunity to know that kind of love. So, in one way, I suppose, I'm fortunate that I am even capable of that level of it. On the other hand, loving deeply will ultimately cause excruciating pain... so there's that! But back to my point, I have made a decision to put that love into other things and places. Sometimes I try too hard and spread myself too thin, but hey, it's a LOT of love! So I make pet treats, because animals need love too! I cook for my husband, because I enjoy it and so does he. I make beanie hats, or blankets, or scarves or shawls for those in need... some of that love in every stitch. I help a family friend who has become my Surrogate Kid, financially and emotionally, however I can! And you know what? It does help... a lot But sitting in that room, sobbing over the things that torment me, it somehow isn't enough sometimes. I wish that it were. I hope that someday it actually is.
Wednesday, January 2, 2013
I started this blog more than two years ago as a means of a sort of therapy. It gives me an opportunity to anonymously talk about the trials in my life and to sort out how I will or need to deal with them. Sometimes my writing stirs up such a jumble of feelings... fear and sadness and guilt and jealousy, that I wonder how helpful it is to me or anyone else. Sometimes, like today, I'm all over the place. But today I look back on what I've dealt with here and it's been quite a bit! Am I "healed" of my demons? Uh... NO! I still struggle. Everyday. Some of those days are much more difficult than others. But I somehow find a strange solace in knowing that I can come here and dump out all of my emotional baggage and miraculously feel a sense of comfort. Perhaps it is in part because of the reactions that I get from strangers who can empathize. Perhaps it's just that I get to vomit all the acid from my soul. I have been talking to an old friend from college quite a bit lately. He too struggles with mental demons and is childless and finds comfort in his pets. We have discussed how hard it is to feel like no one understands what we go through. Fortunately we do understand each other. We had a long, deep discussion the other day about our partners and how they do try to be supportive, but could never truly understand our struggles. It's odd to find myself giving advice to a person who is going through many of the same things I am. Why is it I can clearly see what make sense for someone else, but when it comes to myself I am lucky to just tread water and barely keep my nose out!? It's so strange. But if I'm honest, I suppose it's not that I don't know a lot of the answers for myself too, it's more that I can't figure out exactly how to get out of my own way, how to make space in my mind, to stop the spin of negative, anxious thoughts. We'd all like to think that with the start of a new year we can toss aside all those negative, difficult, scary things from days past; to jump off of the proverbial treadmill and make a new, better, more positive path for ourselves. But it's not so simple, is it? It's a new year, but the baggage we packed last year is still with us. Every item was meticulously put in its place and there it stays until it has been sufficiently and successfully vetted. So here's to the scrutiny and evaluation; to the resolution and restoration. Here's to a new year.... more solutions, fewer problems.