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Saturday, October 27, 2012

Ow, ow, ow!

For a while there I really thought I had this whole endo thing under control. But this is the second month in a row that, despite the acupuncture, I have been in excruciating pain, buckled over, writhing in agony. I can't help but think that it may be time to try the Lupron. My Dr. said he'd want to try that first to see if a hysterectomy would be successful for stopping the pain, because sometimes it's not. But that if the Lupron works then we can be pretty certain that a hysterectomy would too. Last month I was out of town with some other ladies and the pain came on so intensely and so quickly that I couldn't even move and seriously considered calling dh to drive the four and a half hours to come get me. This morning was pretty much the same. Prescription pain meds and a heating pad later I'm back in bed riding it out. I had thought I could talk about it all with my therapist of several years. Sadly, she has recently been diagnosed with ALS. Terrible.... it's terminal so all that she can hope for is time. I wish that I could be as supportive of her as she has for me for all these years. Obviously, she's no longer seeing patients. That means I'm going to have to find a new therapist, starting from scratch with my history. {{sigh}} But, I'll get through it. In the mean time, I guess I have some serious thinking to do. I don't know what to expect with Lupron. I can't really talk to my family about it, because all they ever do when it comes to me and health issues is insist that I go see their doctors because they went to highschool with them... as if that makes them better than the doctors I see. Very frustrating. If anyone has any thoughts on all this... I'm open to hearing them!

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Off the cuff conversation

This afternoon, my dad called to ask me about an email he had sent me and to see how everything was going. The conversation moved from my work, to his work, to my cousins, to their children. I told him how guilty I feel for not having given him and my mom more children, how I wondered whether it would have made the situation with my nephew any easier on them, and how, even though I knew not having children may have been a real kindness given our family history of mental illness, it didn't make it any easier on me and how I continued to struggle with it.  I told him how hard it was not to have anyone in our family to pass things on to, but how I have chosen to embrace DH's family and pass my things on to them.  My voice trembled as I tried fight back the tears to get the words out.

My father, the only member of my immediate family who has ever been able to show me any kind of genuine respect, sympathy or understanding, said that I should not feel any guilt. He said, jokingly, "Please! don't do me any favors!!" He agreed with my embracing of DH's neices and nephews, as he has my mother's neices and nephews (since he had none on his side of the family being an only child). He said that I should instead think of it as a blessing that I didn't not bring an innocent child into the world burdened with serious problems, who would suffer the debilitating effects of mental illness that I (yeah... I said it!!!) and much of my family have suffered, as have my cousins. It's something that I considered before I even met DH. Would it have been cruel and selfish to have children knowing what my gene pool holds in store, or at least the potential it holds? Certainly, if everyone thought that way, there wouldn't be very many children born each year! 

But even as I write about the conversation, the tears are unstoppable.  My mother on the other hand makes comments about how she wishes she had more grandchildren. And I do truely believe that she faults me for not giving them to her. A couple weeks ago, when I was home visiting, we were going through her drawer of little gifts and trinkets people has given to her that she didn't want be kept to regift, or little bargains she has found for unexpected gift-giving occasions. As I openned one little box I realized it was a giant safety pin with blue rhinestones on it... a baby ornament. I looked at her puzzled. "Mom, this is a baby ornament." "I know," she said, "I saw it and just really liked it so I bought it." She had no one in mind or friends who had grandbabies on the way. I stung like a slap. She doesn't get it at all, and is just incapable of seeing how anyone would feel differently than she does.

Thankfully, I do have my dad. I hope he's around for many more years. He's the only one in my family who ever really got me at all.

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Busy is good

So, I've been off the blog wagon for a bit. Life gets a little crazy sometimes!  I have found that keeping busy... with work, home, life... helps to keeps the mind off of the pain of childlessness. But there are always the zingers. My sister made a comment the other day that I should be glad I don't have children instead of a troubled, estranged one. MY SISTER! Nice huh? Part of me want to go off on a rant about how my child wouldn't be so troubled or estranged, because I'd have been a better mother than she. But I didn't say anything. I doesn't do any good. I'd get more empathy from my cats or dog than from any of my family members when it comes to my childlessness. It would be nice to be able to open up and have a real heart to heart, but that just isn't a possibility. So those comments get no response from me. None. Instead, I suffer in silence. I hear from friends about the births of children and grandchildren. But, I try to avoid all the online posts about the milestones they reach. They only serve as a reminder of what I'm missing out on.

Busy is good. Busy is a distraction.