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Wednesday, May 16, 2012

We made it through another one...

OK, all you beautiful non-mom's, pseudo-moms and fur-moms! We made it through another year of the holiday that specifically excludes us! So let's climb out from under the bed, or the covers, or the bottle and come back out into the light. Since the passing of that holiday, I've been listening to Oprah's lifeclass episodes. Nothing we all haven't heard a zillion time, but it's all still true. And one thing that is running throughout all of the talks has resonated with me and with our CNBC plight. We are married to our "poor me I'm childless" story. OUCH! That's harsh... but I think if I'm honest about it, in a lot of ways, it's true. It's become a huge part of who I am... a childless, not by choice, woman with endometriosis. Well, shit! I don't want that to be who I AM. It's true, certainly, but I don't want it to define me. And now that I think of it, that's probably one of my biggest fears! That being childless is somehow defining who I am and who I will become. I'm much more than a childless woman with endometriosis... although those two things do seem to control my life to some degree. But who says they have to? Why do those things have to define who I am as a person? NO! They don't! OK.. I've got an illness. And, ok... things have not gone exactly as I have planned, but don't I have more to offer this world than just the ability to reproduce?! HELL YES! I am an artist! Wow... it was hard to even write that, but it's true. I have always been an artist. Art has always been a huge part of me and I've let it slip away. Why? Fear... of failure, of not getting approval, of not being good enough, that I won't be able to make a living. I HAVE TO GET THAT BACK!! I don't need to continue saying that I will do it someday. I need to do it NOW! I am a philanthropist! I have always wanted to help people, to make a difference. I thought it would be through my children. But come to think of it, I never thought that would be the extent of it. I always thought I'd do something greater. So what in the pluperfect hell am I doing sitting at a desk, pushing paper!? Why? Because of the paycheck. How pathetic is that! I'm sitting in a job that doesn't fulfill me because I need the money. That makes me feel so cheap... Why have I allowed this to be enough? Can I get an amen! Oops sorry... going a little nutso. But seriously! Why do I continue to believe the negative tape that's been running in my head for 42 years? I've gotta change the tape. I've gotta change the story. As cliche as it sounds, I need to be me!!! Not who or what everyone else in the blasted universe expects or wants or needs me to be. For once in my sad little life, I need to make it about ME!!!! {{stamps feet}} So there! Now would you all please poke at me from time to time and remind me of this the next time I melt in to a jiggling pile of woe and tears! OK... I'm done. Thanks! :)

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