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Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Never be forgotten

Live for something. Do good, and leave behind you a monument of virtue that the storm of time can never destroy. Write your name in kindness, love, and mercy, on the hearts of thousands you come in contact with year by year; you will never be forgotten.
No, your name, your deeds, will be as legible on the hearts you leave behind as the stars on the brow of evening. Good deeds will shine as the stars of heaven.
When I'm in the depths of sorrow and can only see darkness, I often wonder whether my having been on this earth will have mattered at all; whether anyone will remember me with fondness; whether anyone will consider their lives just a little better for my having been in it. And when I feel like I'm drowning in the sea of misery and self-pity, the only answer that resonates in my heart is "NO."

However, although there is always a hint of lingering sadness in my heart, I am not currently wallowing in "the pit of despair." And this quote spoke to me. Certainly, having children would have given me some manner of a legacy. But, why is that one the only one that should count?  Despite what anyone says or thinks, I know, in my heart of hearts that I make a concerted effort each and every day to be kind to the people I encounter; to be compassionate and loving and generous. Now, I'm not saying, by any stretch of the imagination, that I won't curse the person who cut me off in traffic or mentally wring the neck of some narcisistic fool. I am concious of my shortcomings and I try daily to overcome them. But I try. I try hard. I help those I can with what I have, for the sake of helping.  I make an effort to show love and compassion, even to those who are so hard to love. I endeavor not to harm anyone, if I can prevent it (human or not...critters are people, too!). So, doesn't that count for something? Because my mind is not clouded by anguish, I can say yes... it does count.

I don't expect that when I die there will be any monuments in my name. No one will likely follow my family lineage or cherish the trinkets I leave behind after I am gone.  But those whose hearts I touch, whether they know me or not, are changed because of me... even if only in some very small way. The same goes for all of us.

Sunday, May 20, 2012


I had a great aunt who was childless. I don't know any of the details about why that was the case. Did she try? Did she have miscarriages? Did she have fibroids or endo? Did it sadden her the way is has me? Was it difficult for her to see her sister and brother have children and grandchildren, while she was widowed and didn't have any kids of her own. We all (the great neices and nephews) kind of thought of her as a third grandmother. We celebrated Mother's day with her. She was included in all the family gatherings. But I know that sometime those very same joyful occasions can be difficult because I don't have a child in the mix. I wonder if she was at peace with it all. And if she was, how did she get there? Or was it ever a question of accepting or not... did she just see it as the hand she was dealt. I wish she were still here to ask. But if she does see what I am going though, if she does hear me calling out to her through my tears, I hope she knows I love her and miss her every single day!

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

We made it through another one...

OK, all you beautiful non-mom's, pseudo-moms and fur-moms! We made it through another year of the holiday that specifically excludes us! So let's climb out from under the bed, or the covers, or the bottle and come back out into the light. Since the passing of that holiday, I've been listening to Oprah's lifeclass episodes. Nothing we all haven't heard a zillion time, but it's all still true. And one thing that is running throughout all of the talks has resonated with me and with our CNBC plight. We are married to our "poor me I'm childless" story. OUCH! That's harsh... but I think if I'm honest about it, in a lot of ways, it's true. It's become a huge part of who I am... a childless, not by choice, woman with endometriosis. Well, shit! I don't want that to be who I AM. It's true, certainly, but I don't want it to define me. And now that I think of it, that's probably one of my biggest fears! That being childless is somehow defining who I am and who I will become. I'm much more than a childless woman with endometriosis... although those two things do seem to control my life to some degree. But who says they have to? Why do those things have to define who I am as a person? NO! They don't! OK.. I've got an illness. And, ok... things have not gone exactly as I have planned, but don't I have more to offer this world than just the ability to reproduce?! HELL YES! I am an artist! Wow... it was hard to even write that, but it's true. I have always been an artist. Art has always been a huge part of me and I've let it slip away. Why? Fear... of failure, of not getting approval, of not being good enough, that I won't be able to make a living. I HAVE TO GET THAT BACK!! I don't need to continue saying that I will do it someday. I need to do it NOW! I am a philanthropist! I have always wanted to help people, to make a difference. I thought it would be through my children. But come to think of it, I never thought that would be the extent of it. I always thought I'd do something greater. So what in the pluperfect hell am I doing sitting at a desk, pushing paper!? Why? Because of the paycheck. How pathetic is that! I'm sitting in a job that doesn't fulfill me because I need the money. That makes me feel so cheap... Why have I allowed this to be enough? Can I get an amen! Oops sorry... going a little nutso. But seriously! Why do I continue to believe the negative tape that's been running in my head for 42 years? I've gotta change the tape. I've gotta change the story. As cliche as it sounds, I need to be me!!! Not who or what everyone else in the blasted universe expects or wants or needs me to be. For once in my sad little life, I need to make it about ME!!!! {{stamps feet}} So there! Now would you all please poke at me from time to time and remind me of this the next time I melt in to a jiggling pile of woe and tears! OK... I'm done. Thanks! :)

Thursday, May 10, 2012

The Second Sunday in May

As that "day that shall remain un-named" quickly approaches, those of us who are childless, not by choice, are bombarded by the advertisements, sales, comments, conversations, and other various cruelties, which only serve to remind us that we are outsiders. We are forced to smile and wish others a "happy day," and to maneuver our way through the gauntlet of emotional blows and stabs by those around us, who are for the most part oblivious to our suffering. I have no words to ease that suffering. I have no wisdom to heal the pain. I only have the understanding of what you endure, because I endure it, too. I feel the burn of tears as I fight them back, and the lump in my stomach when the proverbial happy family strolls by, completely unaware that someone like us longs for the very thing they take for granted. I know too well the anger that I have been denied this most basic of desires. I know. I get it. I'm sorry if you do, too.