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Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Progress on all fronts!

OK. Endo is said to be caused in part by estrogen dominance. So after several months of excruciating pain I went to my GYN and said "Do something. I can't take this shit any more." After discussions of meds, surgery and pelvic floor rehab, we decided to try Progesterone pills to try to balance out the hormone soup. I don't want to jinx things, but so far, so good. Relatively minimal pain... tolerable. Knock on wood! Woo! Meanwhile, I am trying very hard to accept the reality that I will never have children. It's my karma, for whatever reason, not to be a mother. Having them will not in itself make me happy and make my life full of hearts and flowers. I am working to fill my need to nurture through helping others; to welcome the discomfort/sadness and realize that they are my ego stomping its feet because it hasn't gotten its way; to cherish the things I do have; to analyze it all; to be brave in the face of the disappointment; to KNOW (not think) that this does not define me and will not beat me down. Deep, difficult shit. I will get through it. I will make a difference. I will not let my attachment to parenthood beat me down. I am stronger than my emotions. I HAVE to be! Much love and many, many thanks go to Venerable Robina Courtin!

3 comments:

  1. UGH! I was so hopeful! The first month of meds seemed to be helping. Well, they are helping, I suppose. It just hasn't taken away all the stabbing pain. In fact, it has changed the stab to some degree. For lack of a better description, the stabs of pain have changed from mostly daggar-like to more needle-like... but equally distressing. Now I'm all stressed out at the thought of my follow-up appointment in April. What will come next... stay on this and deal with a slightly better pain situation or move on to the next thing... a laparoscopy, or ablation, or both, or lupron, or hysterectomy. Damnit, damnit, damnit!
    OK... breath... be strong... be brave... be courageous.... I can get through this without losing my blasted mind. {{sigh}}

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  2. I am glad to hear the pain is improving and I hope you will find the right conditions (medicine, diet, whatever) to make it disappear, or as close to gone as you can get it.

    Another thing - I don't think that looking the 'reality of never having children' in the eye, and saying that it's just your ego stomping its feet, is accurate. There are other hard things about accepting this, if it is indeed your path - in my opinion at least, it is a grief and the loss of a dream, a hope, the expectations that you had. It's more than just pride. I hope you have understanding people around you and are gentle with yourself if this is how things go.

    My DSIL is in a similar situation (her pain has been greatly reduced with a gluten-free and almost dairy-free diet, I don't know if she also has medicines) and she and DBIL have gone through this acceptance of a child-free life, when they wanted to be parents. They are one couple who have many happy and wonderful things about their lives. I know there are times when grief touches them, the 'I'll never have that' kind of moments - but for the most part they seem to enjoy the holidays and creature comforts they would not be able to have with the extra money that is now available, and they are also an amazing aunt and uncle in the family. (not sure how this is possible - in my IF days I could not handle being near kids at all. but they actually seem to like it).

    Andie

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    Replies
    1. Thanks for your comment Andie. I agree that this path and acceptance of it are more than just pride. I think you may have misunderstood my meaning when I said it was my ego stomping its feet. (Of course I know what I meant! ;) ) What I meant was that it was that part of me that wants what it wants. The part that has expectations of what my life should be. And that part has not gotten it's way... and it's pissed! But I can't allow that part of me to dominate my life, because life gets in the way when you're making plans. It will knock you right on your ass and remind you that YOU are not in control. Whether you call it God, or the Universe, or Karma, or just chance, it's really the same thing. Things happen to all of us that we wish wouldn't happen. But that's how it goes, isn't it? And all of the tears, and emotional rants, and stomping of feet (whether literally or figuratively) aren't always going to make things be as we would have them be. And that "me, me, me. I want, I should have, it's not fair" part of me, I refer to as ego. So, I guess we're kinda saying the same thing <3!

      As for the endo... hmmm... well that's still a literal and figurative pain. The progesterone did seem to help the pain a bit with the higher dosage, but it was causing me to have headaches and increased anxiety (something I've got plenty of). So we decreased the dose. The pain has increased again. And now my wonderful doctor (I'm not being sarcastic) is recommending Lupron. I'm nervous about that. I don't know why, really, but I am. I just resumed acupuncture and started taking some supplements she recommended. I'm also going to see if a meat free, dairy free endo diet will help some. I'm going to give those things a shot for a month or so before I force my body into chemical menopause. {sigh} Nothing seems to come easy for me. So again I say Damnit, Damnit, Damnit!

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