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Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Progress on all fronts!

OK. Endo is said to be caused in part by estrogen dominance. So after several months of excruciating pain I went to my GYN and said "Do something. I can't take this shit any more." After discussions of meds, surgery and pelvic floor rehab, we decided to try Progesterone pills to try to balance out the hormone soup. I don't want to jinx things, but so far, so good. Relatively minimal pain... tolerable. Knock on wood! Woo! Meanwhile, I am trying very hard to accept the reality that I will never have children. It's my karma, for whatever reason, not to be a mother. Having them will not in itself make me happy and make my life full of hearts and flowers. I am working to fill my need to nurture through helping others; to welcome the discomfort/sadness and realize that they are my ego stomping its feet because it hasn't gotten its way; to cherish the things I do have; to analyze it all; to be brave in the face of the disappointment; to KNOW (not think) that this does not define me and will not beat me down. Deep, difficult shit. I will get through it. I will make a difference. I will not let my attachment to parenthood beat me down. I am stronger than my emotions. I HAVE to be! Much love and many, many thanks go to Venerable Robina Courtin!

Monday, February 6, 2012

Breeders

Now, I'm not going to sit here and say that it is unreasonable for parents to gush about their children. Certainly, if I were lucky enough to have some, I'd probably do the same. But, PEOPLE!!! Come ON!!! Is this the only thing you are able to contribute or to comment on daily? Breastfeeding, strollers, pediatricians, and PTA? You had a life before you had children... I know... I was there! You had interests and passions and pet peeves that you used to talk about. Were all of those things surgically removed the day you had a child -- or in some cases, the day you found out you were expecting? What happened? Oh, I can hear the breeders now: "you just couldn't understand... being a parent changes everything!" Yeah, yeah. I know. Different perspective, new priorities, whole new world.... blah, blah, blah. Still, does that mean that you stop being you? That you stop having interests other than your children? That you stop having friends - or at least friends who don't have kids, too? Maybe it does. Maybe that's how it SHOULD be. Maybe you're right... I couldn't POSSIBLY understand.