Search This Blog

Friday, November 30, 2012

Round and round we go

Last week I went to see a specialist about my endo. He was very kind and thorough, spending about an hour and a half with me. He was of the opinion that Lupron is a really "big gun" and that we should try something less drastic first. So he put me on continuous bcp... no placebo pills. Oh the irony! I wish I could have a child and I'm on birth control. Not that not being on it would change anything. But still. I also started seeing a new counselor today. So hard to establish a new relationship like that. But she seemed nice and I hope it will work out with her. Lots to hope for, but I'm reluctant to be too hopeful about anything.

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Well THAT hit a nerve!

I was just thinking to myself the other day how proud I was that I was handling the whole childless thing so well. No outbursts, no uncontrollable tears in quite some time. I have been dealing with my endo issues, went to see a specialists, and didn't fall apart when he asked if I were done trying to conceive. I only cringed slightly at the "let's get all the cousins together for a picture" happenings over Thanksgiving. Then I sat down to watch TV last night. Mike and Molly is a sitcom about an overweight couple who fall in love and live with her mother and sister. It's a funny show. But now that the two title characters have gotten married, the story line has naturally turned to them wanting children and trying to get get pregnant. Last night was ONLY about them TTC and Mike's going overboard trying to make it happen. Eventually Molly got annoyed with it all and was complaining about the planned love-making and her perceived loss of romance. And I was fine until that moment. THEN, her sister said something that sent me spinning... "what's more romantic than the man you love trying to give you what he knows you want?" OUCH! Can you say hit a nerve!?! The tears came and have stopped and started intermittently since. But it hurt because it's true. What IS more romantic? I certainly can't think of anything. Sadly, that is a kind of romance I will never have the joy of knowing.

Saturday, October 27, 2012

Ow, ow, ow!

For a while there I really thought I had this whole endo thing under control. But this is the second month in a row that, despite the acupuncture, I have been in excruciating pain, buckled over, writhing in agony. I can't help but think that it may be time to try the Lupron. My Dr. said he'd want to try that first to see if a hysterectomy would be successful for stopping the pain, because sometimes it's not. But that if the Lupron works then we can be pretty certain that a hysterectomy would too. Last month I was out of town with some other ladies and the pain came on so intensely and so quickly that I couldn't even move and seriously considered calling dh to drive the four and a half hours to come get me. This morning was pretty much the same. Prescription pain meds and a heating pad later I'm back in bed riding it out. I had thought I could talk about it all with my therapist of several years. Sadly, she has recently been diagnosed with ALS. Terrible.... it's terminal so all that she can hope for is time. I wish that I could be as supportive of her as she has for me for all these years. Obviously, she's no longer seeing patients. That means I'm going to have to find a new therapist, starting from scratch with my history. {{sigh}} But, I'll get through it. In the mean time, I guess I have some serious thinking to do. I don't know what to expect with Lupron. I can't really talk to my family about it, because all they ever do when it comes to me and health issues is insist that I go see their doctors because they went to highschool with them... as if that makes them better than the doctors I see. Very frustrating. If anyone has any thoughts on all this... I'm open to hearing them!

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Off the cuff conversation

This afternoon, my dad called to ask me about an email he had sent me and to see how everything was going. The conversation moved from my work, to his work, to my cousins, to their children. I told him how guilty I feel for not having given him and my mom more children, how I wondered whether it would have made the situation with my nephew any easier on them, and how, even though I knew not having children may have been a real kindness given our family history of mental illness, it didn't make it any easier on me and how I continued to struggle with it.  I told him how hard it was not to have anyone in our family to pass things on to, but how I have chosen to embrace DH's family and pass my things on to them.  My voice trembled as I tried fight back the tears to get the words out.

My father, the only member of my immediate family who has ever been able to show me any kind of genuine respect, sympathy or understanding, said that I should not feel any guilt. He said, jokingly, "Please! don't do me any favors!!" He agreed with my embracing of DH's neices and nephews, as he has my mother's neices and nephews (since he had none on his side of the family being an only child). He said that I should instead think of it as a blessing that I didn't not bring an innocent child into the world burdened with serious problems, who would suffer the debilitating effects of mental illness that I (yeah... I said it!!!) and much of my family have suffered, as have my cousins. It's something that I considered before I even met DH. Would it have been cruel and selfish to have children knowing what my gene pool holds in store, or at least the potential it holds? Certainly, if everyone thought that way, there wouldn't be very many children born each year! 

But even as I write about the conversation, the tears are unstoppable.  My mother on the other hand makes comments about how she wishes she had more grandchildren. And I do truely believe that she faults me for not giving them to her. A couple weeks ago, when I was home visiting, we were going through her drawer of little gifts and trinkets people has given to her that she didn't want be kept to regift, or little bargains she has found for unexpected gift-giving occasions. As I openned one little box I realized it was a giant safety pin with blue rhinestones on it... a baby ornament. I looked at her puzzled. "Mom, this is a baby ornament." "I know," she said, "I saw it and just really liked it so I bought it." She had no one in mind or friends who had grandbabies on the way. I stung like a slap. She doesn't get it at all, and is just incapable of seeing how anyone would feel differently than she does.

Thankfully, I do have my dad. I hope he's around for many more years. He's the only one in my family who ever really got me at all.

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Busy is good

So, I've been off the blog wagon for a bit. Life gets a little crazy sometimes!  I have found that keeping busy... with work, home, life... helps to keeps the mind off of the pain of childlessness. But there are always the zingers. My sister made a comment the other day that I should be glad I don't have children instead of a troubled, estranged one. MY SISTER! Nice huh? Part of me want to go off on a rant about how my child wouldn't be so troubled or estranged, because I'd have been a better mother than she. But I didn't say anything. I doesn't do any good. I'd get more empathy from my cats or dog than from any of my family members when it comes to my childlessness. It would be nice to be able to open up and have a real heart to heart, but that just isn't a possibility. So those comments get no response from me. None. Instead, I suffer in silence. I hear from friends about the births of children and grandchildren. But, I try to avoid all the online posts about the milestones they reach. They only serve as a reminder of what I'm missing out on.

Busy is good. Busy is a distraction.

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

It's that time of year...

Oh late August.... the time of year that students go back to school. For most of the Breeder world, that means getting the kiddies ready to embark on a new grade or getting a college student situated in an apartment or dorm. Not me!

SS20 did spend about 12 days with us while he was between apartments, making sure to disrupt my mojo just enough to make me uncomfortable - no trapesing around in my skivvies, no certainty that what was in the 'fridge when I left in the morning would be there when I got home in the evening, moving furniture around to accommodate his video games. I must admit that that last one was what made me most uncomfortable, even though it's unreasonable.... the furniture's back where it belongs. But I digress.

Late August can be annoying, disturbing, and depressing... and everything in between. For me, this year, it was more on the annoying side. My general feeling was "Your kid's starting the (xxx)th grade.... BFD! I don't care about back to school! I don't care that you cried. I don't care that he/she picked out an outfit that didn't match! Blah, blah, blah... so WHAT!?!? Now, get out of my way; you're blocking traffic trying to get into that school parking lot. I have to get to WORK!"  Of course, I didn't say any of that to anyone. I have mostly avoided FB, for the inundation of "First Day of School" pictures and posts.

Can we say bitter?! Yeah... just a little!

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Proud Sponsor of PEOPLE

I thought it was just me being overly sensitive.  The Proctor and Gamble "Thank You, Mom" ad campaign has really gotten under my skin. But apparently I'm not the only one who has noticed.  Salon.com published an article on that very thing, saying "So she's a mom. So what?" The blog Silent Sorority has a similar entry. The airing of the Olympic Games has been one giant Mommy-palooza, focusing on athletes who are mothers and the mothers of the athletes.

Now, I'm not going to sit here and pretend that I'm NOT hyper-sensitive to the Mommy adulation epidemic. But seriously... PEOPLE! How does having a child, in an of itself, make one the quintessential sacrificer of self, saver of all things innocent and good, hero of the universe? I'm sorry, but I am personally familiar with some "Moms" who are selfish, narcissistic, ignorant, petty people who deserve no gold medals, and plenty of non-moms who are giving, open, loving, nurturing, people who get no or little credit. How about being the proud sponsor of all those who help us get where we are? OK... that's a little wordy, but you get the idea! Proud sponsor of love, of nurturers, of PEOPLE. Why be so divisive?

I know, I know... it's an ad campaign. They're trying to sell diapers, shampoo, toilet paper, and laundry detergent.... and typically, women do this kind of shopping... and sure, lots or even most of them are moms. But how about the dads? How about the aunts, uncles, godparents, cousins, friends and neighbors who step in and do so much to help the young people in our lives. If you ask the writers of the two articles mentioned earlier... they can all "suck it!' And to me, that's exactly how it comes across.

How rude!

Monday, August 6, 2012

Would it have made a difference?

My parents had one grandchild... my nephew.  They hung all of their hopes on him. He broke their hearts. He got into some things he shouldn't have... he should have known better. He has made his bad decisions, apparently with no consideration whatsoever of how they would affect those who love him. He has all but abandoned the family that gave him everything and has squandered more opportunities in his 21 years than most people ever even get in a lifetime. It makes me wonder if all of this would have been easier on my parents had they had other grandchildren? If I had given them other outlets for their love and generosity, would this pain have stung just a little bit less? I guess, we'll never know. In some ways I feel guilty about it.

Part of me is sad that they didn't have other grandchildren. Part of me is thankful they (and all of us) didn't have more opportunites for disappointment. You never know how people are going to turn out, despite all your best efforts. I suppose the same could be said for life in general--- there are no guarantees of anything. Deep thoughts for a rainy Monday morning.

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

I do too have a family!

I just took a quick peek at my Facebook wall and found that a woman had posted in a childless support forum about her struggle with infertility. It was very sad to see another person struggling with the loss of her dream to be a parent. But something she said really resonated with me and I felt it was something worth addressing here.  She said that all of her friends and families had "actual families." That took me aback. Don't get me wrong, I understand her meaning and, true, we do not have the children we so desperately desire, but that doesn't mean that we don't have a family! Honestly, it kind of rubbed me the wrong way.  Of course I don't want to hurt her feelings, but what gives anyone the right to say what constitutes a family?! My husband and I are NO LESS a family than the Duggar family, with their 19 children! (I won't even go THERE!) Granted, we are a smaller family... a family of two! But my darling, loving, wonderful husband IS my family! Do I wish that our family include a few more members... certainly! But that doesn't undo what we are and what we have. Additionally, we have neices, nephews, cousins, step-children, aunts, uncles, siblings, parents....what are they if not our ACTUAL familiy? I'm not saying that any of mine are perfect, but they are my family! Not to mention my fur kids... I dont' care what anyone says... they are as much a part of my family as any two legged member! I DO TOO have a family! And my childlessness does not negate that!

Friday, July 13, 2012

Who do YOU see?

Mali wrote a great post about taking a good look in the mirror, and who it is we see.  We often listen to the propaganda of the media, the judgements of society and the lies we tell ourselves.  Her post reminded me of my own blog and my assertion that being childless does not make me less of a person. Yet society does seem to have an expectation that I actually am less.  After all, the media bombards us with images of the perfect little family: mom, dad, baby (or 2, but not more than 3!), dog, SUV. Those of us who don't seem to fit into that little mold are sometimes left wondering where we fit in, because there doesn't seem to be a whole lot of space made or thought for those of us who, whether due to circumstance or choice, don't fall into the "perfect little family" category.

Sometimes we are passively excluded, in the sense that we are not even considered. At others, we are an anonamility - according to urbandictionary.com, an anonymous anomality, a non-person that does not correspond with an expected image.  At still other times we are persona non grata, Latin, literally meaning "an unwelcome person."

It is so unfortunate that so many people lack the ability to look beyond what we wear and what we have and what we do, to see who we actually ARE, or to make the effort to be compassionate or to empathize at all with others; to see what we do have to offer rather than what we can't produce (or in some cases choose not to).  It is something that I made a conscious decision to work on in myself a very long time ago. Sadly, that decision was born out of a desire not to be like a woman who was (and is) incapable of even considering possibilities that don't exist in her mind. Even more sadly, that woman is my mother. She means well, but cannot see beyond her own assumptions and expectations. I made a decision long ago never to be that way; rather I decided to try very hard to be unconditionally loving and accepting of people, to try not to be judgemental, and to try to find the good in people even if it meant looking very hard! I told myself that I would be the kind of mother that I always wanted and needed (and sometimes still do!), but didn't have.  I would be different. 

I still try, though not as a mom, since I didn't have that opportunity, but with people in general. And some days I have to try very hard, because some people do not make it easy to love them. If only more people were capable of looking into the mirror and seeing beyond their own grimmacing faces, perhaps all our lives would be a little different. But I can't do a thing about everyone else, I can just continue to try... even if it's not in the way I always thought I would.

Thursday, July 12, 2012

Sometimes it's hard to watch

So many times, we are faced with people who have been blessed with children and wonder "why them and not me." Some of those people, clueless as to the blessing that has been bestowed upon them, take their children for granted, depend on them to be the grown-ups, while still being the parent's playmate, and use them as pawns to get what they want.  I know just such a person... the very same person who said I couldn't care for their children because I didn't know how, since I had never been a mother. And yet, this person lives off of the children's SS benefits from their deceased parent, spends frivolously, is irresponsible, and plays on the emotions of their family to ensure that bills are paid... emotional embezzlement. This "parent" (and I use the term loosely!) uses others and threatens not allowing them to spend time with the children if things are not done according to the parent's desires. Sadly, the parent has the upper hand, for if the family were to dig in and demand that a job be obtained and some responsibility be taken, the children would be held "hostage," as it were, from their family and not allowed to visit. Unfortunately, there is not much to be done, since the children would be the ones who would ultimately suffer. Still, with hands tied, and eyes wide open, it's a very hard thing to watch.

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Tears

Mali wrote a great post about crying... how difficult it can be to close the flood gates.
Oh dear! Yes. The tears sometimes seem to take on a life of their own. And just when you think you may have a handle on the rogue emotional outbursts, here comes another one.  This is exactly what prompted my New Year's resolution: Waterproof Mascara... every time.  Now, I have on occasion fallen off the wagon, as we are want to do with any resolution, but I have, for the most part, kept to it.  There is nothing like having an emotional breakdown, falling to pieces and tears, and later finding that you spent the remainder of the day with a black smudge on your face! Funny, no one ever seems to let you know about that one.  Curiously, since making the resolution, the outbursts have not been so frequent. But, they do still come... damn them! And, oddly, they can come because of the most seemingly innocuous situations. Perhaps it's just my age... 43 now. Perhaps it has something to do with knowing that I really won't ever have children... it's just too late, regardless of whether or not I got buy-in from DH. Perhaps it has to do with the frustration I have in having excruciating pain that comes from parts and bits I don't get to use. I don't really know why. In some ways it's like a big ol' steaming pot of emotional soup... you never know exactly what's going to surface when you stir it all up. Inevitably, though, there are tears... big and hot, running down my face, staining my blouse. But resolution or no, I'm not sure that I will ever really be able to turn that faucet off.

Monday, June 25, 2012

My surrogate kid

I have been told by lots and lots of people that I should put my "mothering" energy into something productive. Maybe into my art, volunteering for a charity, orphans, something. Well, this weekend, I got to do just that.  There is a young woman who is very close with my husband's family. She had every reason to go down a less than desirable path: drug addict mother-deceased from an overdose. missing father, drug addict sister. Instead she homeschooled herself and got her GED. She's clean, smart, responsible and loving. She works full time and has gotten full legal custody of her 12 year old niece. She's saving money to go to college to become a teacher.  At 21 years of age, she is an inspiration. And on "the day that shall remain nameless" she sent me a text to say thanks for being there for her. She was the only one. I boo hoo cried. But now, I have resigned myself that this is my kid. Not my child, but my kid...if that makes any sense. I have always told her that she only need ask if she's running a little short on cash, or needs any help. She always feels bad about doing that. But this weekend, she came to visit. She was running a little short on gas money and reluctantly asked, promising that she would pay me back.  This was my response:

"I don't have any yunguns of my own. Helping you makes me feel good. I wouldn't   ask my blood kid to pay me back... so I won't ask you either. But if you must, I'll just set it aside in case you need it later. You can take care of me when I'm old and in diapers. That's how it works... parents take care of kids, then kids take care of parents. It's just your turn."

It's nice to feel needed... to have someone to spoil and feel proud of. Even though she didn't come out of me, she is a huge part of me. I'm thankful for that.

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Third Sunday in June

This Sunday is "F" day. Now, obviously, I'm not a parent, but my DH is. He adopted his former wife's son. So, he's in the club I will never be part of. And while, generally, "F" day is not as difficult for me as "the day that shall remain nameless," for some reason, it's been on my radar quite a bit this year.  Even though I walk this childless path alone-- that is, not with DH-- there are many men out there who are childless, not by choice, too. They may not have the same kind of biological urge to reproduce that many women describe, but they still suffer. They may get invited to the bbq or card game, but the conversations ultimately go to family and kids, and they are excluded. Passively or actively, non-parents, whether male or female, are cast aside. Often it's not even intentional, but left out we are. So this week, my heart goes out to the guys. All of you who wish you were "daddy," but aren't... for whatever reason. Those who feel that they have to put on a strong front, to deny their feelings, to ignore the pain. You are not alone. <3

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Blah...

Today, I am in a funk. I'm mildly crampy, slightly annoyed and sad. I continue to have pain from bits I don't even get to use (although, truthfully, the pain is marginally better lately). Father's day is around the corner.

So, obviously, I'm not a dad. But, somehow this year is grating on me, much like getting sand in your eye. I'm a step mom. DH addresses me as "Mom" when talking to SS19. But I didn't rank so much as a card, text or FB note for "the day that shall remain nameless." HOWEVER, I know that his Step dad, his mother's current spouse, will get a Happy F day. Now, SD has been in SS's life longer, certainly. But, truthfully, I don't care. It seems like everyone else gets to be in the club... but not me. Hell, even the card DH gave me was from the pets, and didn't even mention SS19.

Why do I let this get under my skin so? I'm equally annoyed at the situation AND the fact that it annoys me! Can I say neurotic?! Geesh... I just wish things were different. And I wish I didn't care so much.

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Never be forgotten


Live for something. Do good, and leave behind you a monument of virtue that the storm of time can never destroy. Write your name in kindness, love, and mercy, on the hearts of thousands you come in contact with year by year; you will never be forgotten.
No, your name, your deeds, will be as legible on the hearts you leave behind as the stars on the brow of evening. Good deeds will shine as the stars of heaven.
Chalmers
**************************************************************************
When I'm in the depths of sorrow and can only see darkness, I often wonder whether my having been on this earth will have mattered at all; whether anyone will remember me with fondness; whether anyone will consider their lives just a little better for my having been in it. And when I feel like I'm drowning in the sea of misery and self-pity, the only answer that resonates in my heart is "NO."

However, although there is always a hint of lingering sadness in my heart, I am not currently wallowing in "the pit of despair." And this quote spoke to me. Certainly, having children would have given me some manner of a legacy. But, why is that one the only one that should count?  Despite what anyone says or thinks, I know, in my heart of hearts that I make a concerted effort each and every day to be kind to the people I encounter; to be compassionate and loving and generous. Now, I'm not saying, by any stretch of the imagination, that I won't curse the person who cut me off in traffic or mentally wring the neck of some narcisistic fool. I am concious of my shortcomings and I try daily to overcome them. But I try. I try hard. I help those I can with what I have, for the sake of helping.  I make an effort to show love and compassion, even to those who are so hard to love. I endeavor not to harm anyone, if I can prevent it (human or not...critters are people, too!). So, doesn't that count for something? Because my mind is not clouded by anguish, I can say yes... it does count.

I don't expect that when I die there will be any monuments in my name. No one will likely follow my family lineage or cherish the trinkets I leave behind after I am gone.  But those whose hearts I touch, whether they know me or not, are changed because of me... even if only in some very small way. The same goes for all of us.


Sunday, May 20, 2012

JMV

I had a great aunt who was childless. I don't know any of the details about why that was the case. Did she try? Did she have miscarriages? Did she have fibroids or endo? Did it sadden her the way is has me? Was it difficult for her to see her sister and brother have children and grandchildren, while she was widowed and didn't have any kids of her own. We all (the great neices and nephews) kind of thought of her as a third grandmother. We celebrated Mother's day with her. She was included in all the family gatherings. But I know that sometime those very same joyful occasions can be difficult because I don't have a child in the mix. I wonder if she was at peace with it all. And if she was, how did she get there? Or was it ever a question of accepting or not... did she just see it as the hand she was dealt. I wish she were still here to ask. But if she does see what I am going though, if she does hear me calling out to her through my tears, I hope she knows I love her and miss her every single day!

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

We made it through another one...

OK, all you beautiful non-mom's, pseudo-moms and fur-moms! We made it through another year of the holiday that specifically excludes us! So let's climb out from under the bed, or the covers, or the bottle and come back out into the light. Since the passing of that holiday, I've been listening to Oprah's lifeclass episodes. Nothing we all haven't heard a zillion time, but it's all still true. And one thing that is running throughout all of the talks has resonated with me and with our CNBC plight. We are married to our "poor me I'm childless" story. OUCH! That's harsh... but I think if I'm honest about it, in a lot of ways, it's true. It's become a huge part of who I am... a childless, not by choice, woman with endometriosis. Well, shit! I don't want that to be who I AM. It's true, certainly, but I don't want it to define me. And now that I think of it, that's probably one of my biggest fears! That being childless is somehow defining who I am and who I will become. I'm much more than a childless woman with endometriosis... although those two things do seem to control my life to some degree. But who says they have to? Why do those things have to define who I am as a person? NO! They don't! OK.. I've got an illness. And, ok... things have not gone exactly as I have planned, but don't I have more to offer this world than just the ability to reproduce?! HELL YES! I am an artist! Wow... it was hard to even write that, but it's true. I have always been an artist. Art has always been a huge part of me and I've let it slip away. Why? Fear... of failure, of not getting approval, of not being good enough, that I won't be able to make a living. I HAVE TO GET THAT BACK!! I don't need to continue saying that I will do it someday. I need to do it NOW! I am a philanthropist! I have always wanted to help people, to make a difference. I thought it would be through my children. But come to think of it, I never thought that would be the extent of it. I always thought I'd do something greater. So what in the pluperfect hell am I doing sitting at a desk, pushing paper!? Why? Because of the paycheck. How pathetic is that! I'm sitting in a job that doesn't fulfill me because I need the money. That makes me feel so cheap... Why have I allowed this to be enough? Can I get an amen! Oops sorry... going a little nutso. But seriously! Why do I continue to believe the negative tape that's been running in my head for 42 years? I've gotta change the tape. I've gotta change the story. As cliche as it sounds, I need to be me!!! Not who or what everyone else in the blasted universe expects or wants or needs me to be. For once in my sad little life, I need to make it about ME!!!! {{stamps feet}} So there! Now would you all please poke at me from time to time and remind me of this the next time I melt in to a jiggling pile of woe and tears! OK... I'm done. Thanks! :)

Thursday, May 10, 2012

The Second Sunday in May

As that "day that shall remain un-named" quickly approaches, those of us who are childless, not by choice, are bombarded by the advertisements, sales, comments, conversations, and other various cruelties, which only serve to remind us that we are outsiders. We are forced to smile and wish others a "happy day," and to maneuver our way through the gauntlet of emotional blows and stabs by those around us, who are for the most part oblivious to our suffering. I have no words to ease that suffering. I have no wisdom to heal the pain. I only have the understanding of what you endure, because I endure it, too. I feel the burn of tears as I fight them back, and the lump in my stomach when the proverbial happy family strolls by, completely unaware that someone like us longs for the very thing they take for granted. I know too well the anger that I have been denied this most basic of desires. I know. I get it. I'm sorry if you do, too.

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Progress on all fronts!

OK. Endo is said to be caused in part by estrogen dominance. So after several months of excruciating pain I went to my GYN and said "Do something. I can't take this shit any more." After discussions of meds, surgery and pelvic floor rehab, we decided to try Progesterone pills to try to balance out the hormone soup. I don't want to jinx things, but so far, so good. Relatively minimal pain... tolerable. Knock on wood! Woo! Meanwhile, I am trying very hard to accept the reality that I will never have children. It's my karma, for whatever reason, not to be a mother. Having them will not in itself make me happy and make my life full of hearts and flowers. I am working to fill my need to nurture through helping others; to welcome the discomfort/sadness and realize that they are my ego stomping its feet because it hasn't gotten its way; to cherish the things I do have; to analyze it all; to be brave in the face of the disappointment; to KNOW (not think) that this does not define me and will not beat me down. Deep, difficult shit. I will get through it. I will make a difference. I will not let my attachment to parenthood beat me down. I am stronger than my emotions. I HAVE to be! Much love and many, many thanks go to Venerable Robina Courtin!

Monday, February 6, 2012

Breeders

Now, I'm not going to sit here and say that it is unreasonable for parents to gush about their children. Certainly, if I were lucky enough to have some, I'd probably do the same. But, PEOPLE!!! Come ON!!! Is this the only thing you are able to contribute or to comment on daily? Breastfeeding, strollers, pediatricians, and PTA? You had a life before you had children... I know... I was there! You had interests and passions and pet peeves that you used to talk about. Were all of those things surgically removed the day you had a child -- or in some cases, the day you found out you were expecting? What happened? Oh, I can hear the breeders now: "you just couldn't understand... being a parent changes everything!" Yeah, yeah. I know. Different perspective, new priorities, whole new world.... blah, blah, blah. Still, does that mean that you stop being you? That you stop having interests other than your children? That you stop having friends - or at least friends who don't have kids, too? Maybe it does. Maybe that's how it SHOULD be. Maybe you're right... I couldn't POSSIBLY understand.

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

It's different.... and complicated

Being childless by marriage is a completely different animal in the Childless Not By Choice (CNBC) kingdom! When 2 people discover that, for whatever reason, they are unable to have a child, they grieve together. They can hold each other up and get through it together. However, when one of you wants a child and the other does not, it's a very different and complicated situation. It stirs up a thick, steamy emotional soup that's very difficult to get through. How do you reconcile the fact that the most important person in your life knows that their position is causing you unfathomable anguish, but won't budge. Complicated stuff. Now, no one person's feelings have greater value than anothers. One position is just as valid as the other, right? I guess the difference is that if you are the one wanting, you are giving up your desire in order to make the other person happy, but the person who doesn't want a child isn't willing to do the same. Again, deep complicated stuff. It's not fair. It's excruciating. It really just sucks.