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Thursday, December 1, 2011

Holiday blues

Wow. It always surprises me just how shitty the holidays make me feel. Lights and shopping and cards... they all seem geared towards children or families. I don't even know why I should bother with any of it. There will be no little ones gathering around the tree to see what Santa left. There will be no photos of toothless grins while sitting on his lap at the mall or gathered as a family in front of the tree. No homemade ornaments from art class. In fact, it only serves as a reminder that there will be no one to go through all of my old ornaments and remember hanging them or where they came from. No one to look at the old characters that were once on my crib mobile and say "these belonged to mom (or nana) when she was a baby." So why do I even HAVE it to begin with. People often tell me that I should take part in these things because it makes ME happy. But it doesn't ... it makes me sad. But then again, so does NOT doing it. I can't win. And I honestly don't know what to do with it all... the sadness, regret, longing, and the hollow gnawing in my gut.


  1. I never thought I would ever "meet" someone who knows what I feel, until I read this post. I found you via CNBC site. DH and I have had 6 miscarriages all total and I am about to turn 40 too so we are both coming to terms with this being permanent. I am not sure how we will do it but I am so glad I found your blog, a real blog, anger and all. Thank you for sharing.

  2. I'm sorry you're suffering through this same journey. But know that there are really many more of us than you'd think. We just don't go around telling random people about it... unlike so many breeders who will tell anyone who will listen about their sore nipples and shitty baby diapers. But I'm glad to know that my vomiting up of emotion on this blog is helpful to someone. Hang in there!