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Friday, December 30, 2011


So, I don't really make New Years resolutions. They seem like a set up for failure. I do make note of things I'd hope to do, or not do, as the case may be. But it just dawned on me that there is ONE resolution I need to make... and stick to it: Waterproof Mascara... EVERY TIME! It never fails that the day I start out feeling marginally ok, and I put on regular mascara, is the day I get a big ol' cosmic smack that says "Oh, not yet, missy! You've still got some misery to endure." And I end up with black/gray smudges around my eyes or on my face that I inevitably don't notice until I get home. Just this week, for example, I woke up thinking we had gotten past the holidays and the tears and discomfort that came with them. Then, like a punch to the gut, a long-time friend announces she's expecting this summer. That announcement sparks a comment from someone else that another former classmate is also expecting. DAMN IT! Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for them. Just not so much for me.... I'm jealous, in a HUGE way! It hit me so hard I literally thought I would vomit. It was touch and go there for a minute, but I made it through sans barfing! But the tears flowed and the mascara looked like a hot mess. So, until I can hear about pregnancies and see or hear rug-rats without falling to pieces, it's waterproof mascara all the way! So there!

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Most wonderful time, my foot!

It took some doing, but I think I've made it through the holidays! November and December came with some HORRID physical and emotional pain. Endo is a bitch! It's back to knocking me down for a few of days every month. The laparoscopy back in 2008 had kept it a bay for a while. But it's back with full force. But it not only hurts physically... and it DOES... but the fact that I have to endure such pain and not even get to use the parts associated with it, just adds insult to injury. Then came Christmas. OH THE JOY! (read sarcasm!) Everyone a-bustle, buying gifts for their families. Screaming kids. Proud parents parading their spawn around like little tinsel-covered pets. And the family gatherings. All the other family members snapping photos and shooting video (which will be shared on FB or YouTube)of their children opening gifts and flitting around making a mess of things. While I stand by and watch with tear-filled eyes, green with envy that I don't get to play. And I'll never get to play. I will never know the joy of seeing my child, or even grandchild, wide-eyed at the gifts under the tree; of taking them for pictures with Santa; and, yes, of dressing them up in rediculous Christmas outfits. No school pagents or ornaments made with tiny, clumsy hands. What is touted the "most wonderful time of the year" is the most painful for me and for those like me. But we've managed our way through it again... smeared mascara, puffy eyes and all!

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Holiday blues

Wow. It always surprises me just how shitty the holidays make me feel. Lights and shopping and cards... they all seem geared towards children or families. I don't even know why I should bother with any of it. There will be no little ones gathering around the tree to see what Santa left. There will be no photos of toothless grins while sitting on his lap at the mall or gathered as a family in front of the tree. No homemade ornaments from art class. In fact, it only serves as a reminder that there will be no one to go through all of my old ornaments and remember hanging them or where they came from. No one to look at the old characters that were once on my crib mobile and say "these belonged to mom (or nana) when she was a baby." So why do I even HAVE it to begin with. People often tell me that I should take part in these things because it makes ME happy. But it doesn't ... it makes me sad. But then again, so does NOT doing it. I can't win. And I honestly don't know what to do with it all... the sadness, regret, longing, and the hollow gnawing in my gut.