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Tuesday, October 25, 2011

resentment

Some days it feels like the whole world is ripping a piece of you apart. These days are those days. My wonderful husband's exwife has decided to thrust herself into his family's holiday celebrations. It would seem I'm the only one who has issues with this. I, on the other hand, can't begin to understand why she wouldn't spend it with her family or that of her current husband rather than imposing her (difficult, overpowering and, in my opinion, unpleasant) self on one of my few places of solace and make it less so. She already has my husband as the father of HER child... why does she have to take this too? The buddhist in me knows that this is nothing more than my aversion to not having things be as I would have them. That doesn't make me any less angry, resentful, and sad. If that doesn't cause me enough pain, a friend is continuing to push back against my withdrawal into myself. I gave all of my time and emotion to help this person through some tough stuff for nearly a year, but now I don't have the energy to deal with other people's stuff.... I barely have the energy for mine. My friend clearly resents my drastic reduction in availability. These are in addition to my regularly programmed demons and family matters. Does anyone else ever feel like they wish it would all just stop? I'm not talking about suicide... I'm talking about "stop this bloody ride, I want OFF!" 'Cause that's how I'm feeling. Meds be damned, I don't WANT to deal! (Insert expletive here) Grrr!

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