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Tuesday, October 25, 2011

resentment

Some days it feels like the whole world is ripping a piece of you apart. These days are those days. My wonderful husband's exwife has decided to thrust herself into his family's holiday celebrations. It would seem I'm the only one who has issues with this. I, on the other hand, can't begin to understand why she wouldn't spend it with her family or that of her current husband rather than imposing her (difficult, overpowering and, in my opinion, unpleasant) self on one of my few places of solace and make it less so. She already has my husband as the father of HER child... why does she have to take this too? The buddhist in me knows that this is nothing more than my aversion to not having things be as I would have them. That doesn't make me any less angry, resentful, and sad. If that doesn't cause me enough pain, a friend is continuing to push back against my withdrawal into myself. I gave all of my time and emotion to help this person through some tough stuff for nearly a year, but now I don't have the energy to deal with other people's stuff.... I barely have the energy for mine. My friend clearly resents my drastic reduction in availability. These are in addition to my regularly programmed demons and family matters. Does anyone else ever feel like they wish it would all just stop? I'm not talking about suicide... I'm talking about "stop this bloody ride, I want OFF!" 'Cause that's how I'm feeling. Meds be damned, I don't WANT to deal! (Insert expletive here) Grrr!

Monday, October 17, 2011

Another focus

My therapist says I have to find another place to put my energy. That is to say, a place other than wallowing in the misery of being childless, not by choice. She's right. I do. And, the truth is, there's really only one place that makes sense: Art. Long before I knew I would not be a mother, long before I really gave it much thought at all, there was Art. Until I met my wonderful husband, Art was the only thing that ever gave my life real meaning. The only place where I felt completely at home. And even now, it is the love of my life... in the true sense of the phrase. When it is not part of my life I am lost and depressed, which has been the case for far too long. So, I will begin the conversion of our extra room into a studio, in ernest. And I will start going to figure drawing sessions, to rehone my skills. And for the first time in a long time, I'm as giddy as a school-girl in love. Now, I just have to keep the momentum!

Monday, October 3, 2011

some days

Some days, grief and sorrow come over me like a wave. Nothing in particular can be blamed for it- no cutesy commercial; no neighborhood kids screaming at the top of their bloody lungs. Some days it's just sitting on the couch with my darling husband holding hands and feeling the gaping hole that lingers, for want of a child.

There are those days when the pain hangs thick in the air. Bitter and smothering, it permeates every fiber of who I am and every moment of the day. It seeps into the recesses of my mind and into my dreams. Even there I feel the longing for something that will never be mine, sob and scream that it were not so.

These days, the torturous and agonizing days that seem to last for weeks, thanksfully do not come too often. But they do come and take years of me, beat me and crush my very soul.