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Tuesday, May 31, 2011


Wow. It is sometimes staggering how thoughtless people, even (or maybe especially) family, can be. Let me just throw out a recent example: my parents, in their moving efforts, are sorting through their many belongings. "Dad's just getting rid of everything," my mother tells me. He is upset about my nephew having estranged himself from the family and says "nobody wants this shit." I hear: "you have no children, you have given me no one to pass my things on to, so I may as well just sell it." HELLOOOOOO! I'm still here! Don't I count? I guess not.

Sometimes it's just not worth getting out of bed.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Sometimes life just kicks you in the gut

And it's usually when you least expect it.

My fil is in the hospital in critical condition. Going with dh to visit would natuarally be difficult, given the circumstances. I had no idea I'd get the wind knocked out of me the way I did. His 3 surviving children and their children all came to his side. Conversations about hospital stays inevitably came around to childbirth. By the time we were on the road home, I had had more than enough and I couldn't hold back the tears any longer.

I will have no children or grandchildren to visit me when I'm ill or to make sure that I am cared for when I can't care for myself. My parents will be gone and I'd really prefer not to be harrassed by my sister. My nephew is not part of my life and, because of his actions, I prefer it that way... Though I wish that weren't the case. My ss will not be concerned with me after his dad is gone.... he's barely concerned with me at all now... Even when he's living in my home.

Unfortunately, I have no choice in the matter. I will ultimately be alone. But I suppose we all are, to some degree. It just would have been nice to have someone who gives a shit.

Friday, May 6, 2011

Mother's Day

It's here AGAIN!
The jubilation over a woman's success in procreating is in full effect.The commercials, the magazine and newspaper ads, the conversations at work... all eventually circle back to Mom, thank your mom, mom's like us, Happy Mother's Day. It all makes me want to BARF!

Don't get me wrong... some women are great parents and worthy of praise and recognition. HOWEVER, there are LOTS of women out there who, while they did "bear fruit," are lousy parents, lousy spouses, lousy people... but they are part of the club I've been excluded from. They get the card, whether store bought or hand made. They get the flowers, whether a glorious bouquet or dandilions from the side of the road. Not me. Not this day. On Mother's Day I am a non-event person. I don't get a special day of recognition... there's no "You would have been a great mother Day."

Yeah, I'm a critter mom... I have 4-legged kids, but as much as I love them it's never gonna take the place of having a child who loves me and needs me. I supposed I better damn-well get used to it.... I've got a lot more of these ahead!