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Monday, March 28, 2011

my "stuff"

One of the many dilemmas I face as a childless woman is what to do with my "stuff." It's a tough one, because I am a very sentimental person and, while I logically understand that these are just things, they are valuable to me because of who gave them to me or what they represent. So, I've decided to make plans for my stuff... this is not an easy decision. So far, I have contacted family about giving those "girlie" things to the young girls in the family. I am also contacting friends to include their children in my ring of people I'll pass things on to. So hard... just telling my friends and family "I don't have kids, so if you would like to have some of my things for your kids..." makes me start crying. Awe, damn! Apparently writing it does, too!

Saturday, March 19, 2011

"You have children, don't you?"

"No. I do not," I reply. And then "the look." Those of you who have gotten the look know exactly what I'm talking about... kinda like someone spoke to you in a foreign language. As if to say "uh, what? you're a woman in her 40's and you don't... have... children?!?!? I... uh... I've never conceived of such a thing!"

I hate that look. I hate the question more. I mean, seriously, where do people get off projecting their disdain and disappointment in my inability or failure to procreate! It never fails to be a swift kick in the gut that brings tears to my eyes and leaves a knot in my chest. What's worse is it always stays with me for days.

How I wish that I could just brush it off and not think about it any more. But it's hard not being part of the club- not having anything to contribute to the conversation. I have no children whose school work and ball games and ballet recitals to discuss. I'm not a home-room mom, or a soccer mom, or a pre-K contact/coordinator... or whatever the hell they're called! I have no one applying to colleges, getting ready for prom, or bringing home a questionable boyfriend. I've got nothing to say.

It's hard being childless in such a child-focused society... really, really hard.

Sunday, March 6, 2011

death

My uncle, patriarch of the family, is dead and buried. He was a good man and died too soon, while many who are less deserving, still live. Cruel joke, this life. But many came to pay their respects and it was a testament to the man he was. They were lovely services, if lovely can ever be used to describe a wake and a funeral.

I selfishly looked at it all - kids, grandkids, photos, loved ones weeping over the loss of him - and mourned, not only his passing but, that I would never have any of those things he held so dear. No children or grandchildren to come to my funeral, to visit my grave. No one to inherit the family heirlooms - the things that have little monetary value but great sentimental value to me. No one to remember. I supposed I should offer these things to my cousins, to give to their children, lest they end up in a yard sale... 5 cents for the lot.

It's a lot to take in. Too much...