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Thursday, February 24, 2011

Counseling

It's very useful. It gives me lots to think about... different perspectives on my particular situation. But it's hard. It's painful and as much as I know it's good to go and I really love my counselor, I dread it.

Counseling, therapy... whatever you call it. It makes me look at all those emotions I instinctively try so hard to tamp down, because they hurt. I don't really WANT to deal with all that stuff. I want to stuff it in a corner and forget about it. But the feelings always bubble up whether I go see my counselor or not. Grrr!

And afterwards I'm drained. Like the wind has been knocked right out of me. It usually takes a couple days to just recover. But then I have helpful stuff to think about. Work to do. It's a little bitter-sweet... since I have NO desire to actually do the work. But do it I must... {{sigh}}.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Darkness

It's really hard to keep from slipping into the abyss some days. The dark cloud blows in without warning sometimes and permeates every fiber of my soul. Like an ink so thick and black that nothing can be seen through it... just dark, empty, weighty, stifling...

How do I keep myself from drowning, from suffocating? How do I drag my tired and broken heart out of the pit of dispair?

Even as I write this I think "stop being so damn dramatic!" You don't have it bad at all! So you don't get this ONE thing... so what?! Look at all that you DO have you idiot! And I do! So many things to be thankful for. Blessed in so many ways. So why does it ALWAYS come back to this? I don't know how to let this go!

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

I'm still here...

Well, we're well into the new year and I'm still pretty much in the same spot. Friends and neighbors are having kids and grandkids... bragging endlessly about the wonder of parenthood.

I stand idly on the sidelines, wishing that I got to play too. Alas, I am the eternal, proverbial benchwarmer. Part of me wants to rant and pout and scream and curse until my voice is gone. Part of me says "Shit happens, woman! Get over yourself!!"

Unfortunately, there really isn't simple or even right answer. I'm kinda riding this out as I go... and what a ride!